You know those days when you are just so mad, so frustrated, so stressed, so upset that you dont even want to talk to anyone because you feel like you'll put them in a bad mood? I LOVE those days.
I can't even explain to anyone what I am feeling. I am exhausted. If you know me well enough, you know I try to hide my emotions. I am using this blog more as a journal right now. I dont like to express myself. But I just had to write it down somewhere and my real journal is packed up in my car somewhere. I feel like writing my feelings down with set me free, release my pain, I hope so. I am sick of feeling this way, but maybe its good for me. Maybe its good to feel something different for a change. Although, I do not like the feeling of knots in my stomach. Not the good knots you get when someone tells you they love you, or when you feel happy, the bad knots. I do not like the bad knots.
I hate this feeling of wonder. I hate wondering "how much worse will this get?" or "when is this going to end?" Right when things feel like they are going to smoothly, nothing can bring you down, they do. RIGHT when you think that. I know this from personal experience. And when you wonder to yourself, "why me?" thats when in your mind everything seems to go wrong... nothing goes your way. I hate it.
I just wish it was 10 years from now. Or even a year, 6 months maybe. Fast forward through all the hard things. I know experiencing trials in our lives is what makes us stronger, makes us who we are. If life were easy it wouldn't be hard (Sheri Dew) Its hard for me to deal with thinking I have to go through all the rough times to get to the even better than before times. I know once they are passed I will look back and be so glad I went through them all, but right now when its hard, its really hard. If we came to this earth to be tested and right when things started to get rough and we asked for them to be easier, what would the test be, right? I know Heavenly Father wouldn't put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle. I'm a strong girl too, I can handle a lot. Which is what really scares me.
I'm rambling, I'm upset. I'm exhausted. Excuse me and my "feel bad for me post"
(Although, it's not meant to be like that at all, the last thing I ever want is for anyone to feel bad for me.
Things will get better right? They always do?
I need a vacation.
Things will get better!!! :) You have a lot of GOOD to look forward to in the future so try not to focus on the not so good in the present.
ReplyDeleteCheer up :) you are strong and miss Kaitlyn can get past anything!
My dear sweet Kaitlyn...I do think i know a little of what you are going through right now. It is almost, just one year ago when i got the phone call telling me my mom was in the hospitol and immediately i called her. Well to make a long story shorter i remember feeling, why is it taking so long for the test results to come back to us? Why aren't the doctors making my mom top priority? This really can't be happening, we've never had to deal with anyting like this in my family before. This is a first, i didn't know what to expect. The waiting game is a test in itself! BUT i do remember after talking to so many of my siblings i decided that there was only one person that can help me through this shock (an everything else associated with it) and it was my Heavenly Father. I had an incredible experience that actually brought me peace and comfort. i leaned heavily on my Father in Heaven and my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. This will be a test for you and your family. Pull together, love one another and remember famlies are eternal. Prayer is a very powerful tool we've been blessed with, as well as faith.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU KAITLYN, please know that you can talk to me anytime about anything. p.s. Father will only give us trials that we CAN handle. You can do this and you will be a strength for your parents and siblings!!!
My sweet Kaitlyn- my life is so full because of you, you have a strong testimony and you know the Lord will bless you when you ask. We have so many wonderful Tender Mercies the Lord is providing for our family right now, Blake leaving on a mission to serve the Lord, You and Brian going to the Temple, and even better making a goal to go to the Celestial Kingdom together, Kayla having a baby in December, we are so blessed and these little miracles will help us to get through this tought time. I love you so much and I am so proud of your life and direction you are going. Stay close to the Lord and you will feel the comfort that I feel right now.
ReplyDeleteI love you tons and tons Love Mama
kait i love you so much! i'm sorry everything is so crazy and hard right now. I cant wait till tuesday when i'm up in utah and i can see you alllll the time. We can all be there for each other. I'm so happy for you and brian, you know how much i freaking loooove both of you. You guys are doing a really amazing thing and you will be blessed for the choices you're making. hang in there :)
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